Facing the sun
Where has life gone?!? Feels like we have zipped through another few years. I was hoping things would slow up a little but everything feels a lot faster than it has ever been. With the craziness of running multiple businesses, I thought I would up the anti when Ruby started kindergarten last year and take on a full time job (which was only supposed to be an 8 week contract but kept getting extended). Being a solo mum with a job and multiple businesses…I must be out of my mind!
But you know me, I don’t knock back a challenge so last February when my 12 year old niece asked if she could come live with me during the week to attend a new school, I obviously said yes. We’re now over 1.5 yrs of that arrangement and I can tell you being a mother to Ruby is completely different than parenting a hormonal teenager!
I feel like my niece moving in was the catalyst to completely losing my grip on everything. I moved my office from the spare room to somewhere between the garage, lounge room and my bedroom and progress with my businesses came to a standstill. Progress in life in general stopped as I ferried the kids to school and activities, ran a household and family, worked full time and tried to at least maintain the Start Up Mum community.
Then this year just rocked me. Over two months ago I made the hardest decision I have ever had to make and I sent Roxy to heaven. I’m balling my eyes out as I write this as the pain of losing her is just so very hard. She was 14.5 yrs old and, for a rotty with a life expectancy of 8-10yrs, she had a really good innings. This is a decision I have been trying to make for over 12mths. Her arthritis was so bad that she couldn’t stand on her own and would need me to lift her up. It meant lot’s of wee and poo accidents. It meant lot’s of awake time at night as she wanted to move either because of her discomfort or because she had had a poo accident or needed to be lifted to go wee. The way the euthanasia happened was completely and utterly wrong. I think I could eventually move on knowing she was not in pain any more and in a better place but having witnessed the vet euthanizing her with no sedation and her eyes freaking out as she looked at me like WTF….I will never get it out of my mind and it breaks my heart every day.
We got her ashes back and I have put them in her spot where her bed once was along with her teddy and favourite toy. I miss her smiles, her little oddities I have gotten used to over our journey together. I really feel the void since she has gone as she was such a big part of my day to day life. Here’s one of the final pics I have of her, in her favourite spot enjoying the sunshine:
In the past I have been able to sense spirits around us and after Roxy was gone, I felt nothing. I listened for her feet padding around on the wooden floor but there was silence. I wondered if she was confused and lost. Every night when the kids went to bed I would cry and apologise for taking her life. Then she started to appear in ways I wasn’t expecting. At first it was in my dream and she was with my late nan. We were all walking together but I had to go on ahead as I had things to do and then I came back, caught up with them and Roxy was happy with some other dogs. I took it as a sign that they are together and will be waiting for me when it’s my time. Then there was her long, loud fart that I heard when I was alone (true Roxy style!), having just got back from the doctors with Roximycin medication for my chest infection….yes all unexpected ways of her letting me know she is here.
Roxy has been a very big part of my support network. I remember the struggles I went through with my ex and the times Roxy would come and comfort me as I cried. I feel like I have lost my strength after losing her. I stopped journalling. Stopped my daily graititudes.
Things came crashing down around me and in a space of 6 weeks. I not only lost Roxy but I lost my job, had dramas with my niece, got bitten by a spider and ended up fighting a chest infection for a couple of weeks. And that brings me to where I am today, feeling very defeated by life.
But as I revamped this blog, I started reading my old posts, my talk of the dreams I have for Ruby and I….it was like therapy. I also realised that everything is not happening to me, it’s happening for me. It’s like doors are closing so they can open up new doors for our future. So as I stand here feeling lost and defeated, I have a sense of excitement creeping in for what might be in store, what is yet to come. Never one to give up, I get up, dust myself off and press forward as I peer ahead and see what the future holds. As I look at the plaque in my kitchen, that my friend Athena recently gave to me, it says “facing the sun and heading into the wind”. Yes I’m looking ahead, even though I might be up against the wind right now, I am moving forward.