I read a great article in Huffington Post today titled “I’m Sorry Is My Armour“. I really resonated with the feelings the author, Jennifer Malise, was expressing. You see after I came out of my last relationship, I was feeling like a very broken person. I was a shell of my former self. I didn’t know who I was any more or what I wanted in life. I had lost all my dreams and hopes because what I had been working towards for years were the dreams and hopes of my ex. I had no job, a mountain of debt in my name and a beautiful 6 month old baby girl. What was to become of me?
Throughout my relationship I got used to being at fault for everything. I would just say sorry and even then I would get into trouble for saying sorry because my ex hated it when people said things like “well I am sorry, but…”. Besides, he always reminded me that he “doesn’t do sorry”.
So after the relationship was over and we resettled, I found that I would be going about my day when someone would walk into me or the pram and I would say “sorry”. Someone would drop something and I would pick it up for them and say “sorry”. I would ask for something at the shop and say sorry before asking for it like I was making the person go out of their way to get it for me. Even in my work – the once strong executive was now a shell of myself and being bullied in the workplace and yet I couldn’t stand up for myself. All I could do was apologise and blame myself for my inefficiencies (not the fact that I was being made to fit a more than full time job into three days!).
I seemed to be apologetic for everything that wasn’t my fault. And I did this for a very long time without even realising that I was doing it. It wasn’t until Ruby was older and we were out shopping one day when someone bumped her and she said sorry. Then I started to notice just how much she was actually apologising for things that other people were doing to her. It finally dawned on me that she had picked this up from seeing me do it all the time.
They say your children are a reflection of you and come into your life to highlight the areas that you need to improve in. Seeing Ruby doing this was a massive realisation about myself. It was also yet another turning point for me in taking back my power. Power I am using to now propel myself forward to achieving my goals.